Because bricks beat Mercedes

Clean title
New battery
Blaupunkt stereo with remote
Historic-eligible (no inspection, cheap tags)
Fix it up road-ready or restore it fully
Starts, runs, engine / trans condition unknown
Dark teal-greenish blue exterior (scratches, dings, cracks etc commensurate with age and neglect)
Viewer comments so far:"Hey, not bad for an almost-30yr-old car.""It just needs this and that, and maybe this, but then it's good to go.""I wont let my kid drive it.""Uh-oh.""That's not pleather, cool.""Did you know there's a yarmulke in the trunk?""It might be a gem worth a bajillion bucks. Prob not, though."

(Don't ask to see the car before you buy, because we can't take the sale off eBay per the rules, dig? That 100% doesn't come easily. In response to multiple questions... if you ask this same stuff you either didn't read or don't understand or come from Scamville):
On a scale of beater to cherry this is a middle car: nobody will steal it (nobody will swoon when you drive by, either). Seems rode hard and hung up wet. I see evidence that someone messed with the instrument cluster—maybe to tamper with the odometer? I could've sworn the guy who sold it to me was lying, but the car report checks out so it's a mystery. Anyway, hey, it was meant to be a project. It could be yours.
As for mechanical issues: yes it drives and shifts all gears, BUT it's sold as-is with no guarantees because the engine & transmission condition is unknown. No, you shouldn't just come try to drive it home or cross country any more than you should charge into anything with a tool you've never touched. Think! That doesn't imply hiding anything shady, though clearly and definitely it does mean buyer beware... c'mon, whoever buys a 27-year old Volvo on ebay knows what they're getting into, so this description is really for the average person with short cash who thinks "hey, let's get this cheap car for school/work/daily use." By all means say a special prayer for me if this car saves your life or helps you go through college or solve a world crisis, but don't blame me if all you hear tomorrow is cuss words coming out of your own mouth and the sarcasm of salty mechanics in your ears while you ride the Metro. This costs less than your takeout bills, and all you get from that is fancy farts. At least this car won't make your ass fat or stink up your fridge. Just saying, this ain't DARCARS, so don't kill me with questions.
*CAR SAYS: "I sat outside for over a year as an untouched "project." Dude shoved a new battery in me and you're damn right I started up on the first crank—what would you do to escape despair and neglect? He gave me once-around-the-block and a shower, which means I may have something in common with you singles out there.I might have a pinhole leak in my fuel line BUT HEY who doesn't drip a little when they're excited, geez.BUY ME NOW so we can be together, dang.”
fugly + risk / cash = fair deal
BUYER MUST PICKUP!